Words: Charlotte Davies
I didn’t really, that is, bounce back. It was more like a steady climb out of a deep crevice, and even though it felt that my whole life was consumed it was actually the start of something new. Another chance to live more fully with my eyes wide open. Before birth, I was wearing big Elton John style rose-tinted spectacles. I imagined being a domestic goddess with babe on my boob, floating from room to room on an air of maternal bliss. The reality is, is that there is no reality for a first time mum to base her expectations on, and we need to be fair on ourselves.
The term baby blues had been thrown around fleetingly and no one had ever warned me that I would have a sustained feeling of insufficiency and overwhelming responsibility. For me, it wasn’t about my baby, (yes, I did get the feeling of life-changing forever when the midwife thrust a new human on my chest after 36 hours of labor), but actually my post-natal darkness was all about how I felt about myself.
I remember sitting watching my baby barely two weeks old, who had suffered severe colic much of those two weeks rendering my husband and I sleepless and full of worry. The rocker sang a quiet lullaby and my baby screamed.
It felt like it was forever and I had tried everything. I had a long and traumatic labour which ended up in huge blood loss. But I was never told that it would affect my milk supply and with those huge spectacles balancing on my head I buried my baby into each breast as often as I could. Obsessively listening for a swallow that didn’t happen because my body hadn’t produced enough milk to feed the human that had come from it. The day we switched him to formula brought a whole new wave of guilt that I still hold with me today. And that’s the reality; that some parts of these feelings we get, don’t go away. But we do learn to live next to them and speak to them when we are feeling stronger.
That is now what I look back on nearly 3 years later and remind myself of. Those familiar feelings of ‘am I good enough’ and ‘will I be good enough’ come in massive waves still now, but there was a time when I felt like I would never be the same again. That the old me was gone. But I discovered it was to make way for the new me, a woman who still struggles with certain parts of life but now trusts in herself to bring that little human up in this wide world to be a secure person, knowing that they will be loved for forever and a day.
READ NEXT: I was diagnosed with PTSD after my son was born at 28 weeks
A letter to my post-partum self
A few weeks in and the light will start to shine in from under the door. Those spectacles will fall to your face with a nice pink tint that shows both the dream and realness all at the same time. You will slowly begin to discover how to support your mind through this difficult time.
Routine will help you feel in control and even though that control will ebb and flow in line with what baby wants, simply knowing you tried to have a routine will help tremendously. Baby bedtime. Time on the clock when you start to wind down. Baby is content with this and to this day still has the same routine as he did when we started at 8 weeks old.
Space for yourself is so important, relax. Breathe. Take a bath or watch some of that reality TV you love. Cry. It helps, a little bit of space for your mind. Give yourself time. You won’t wake up one morning feeling like yourself, because you are changing. One day you will wake up and start to feel strong and courageous and proud. That’s when you’ll realise the importance of yourself and your sound mind.
Feed yourself. Have a little of what your mind wants and a lot of what your body craves, and think about nourishing your tired, post-partum body. Finding a pregnancy nutritionist is a great place to start if you have difficult time knowing how to fuel yourself, and the correct nutrition really does help you to feel a type of normal again. Drop the post-baby body transformation…for good.
I’m not going to throw in here about guilt and how you shouldn’t feel it, whether that be for not having a plentiful milk supply or going off piste from your birth plan you had in place since you were 12 weeks pregnant. For the most part it is a wasted emotion. However just because someone says don’t feel guilty, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to. But try to see things as either in your control and not in your control. I would say you will find that whatever you’re feeling guilty about is out of your control and you need to settle yourself with that notion.
If that feeling doesn’t leave you, reflect. Reflect on something that might have happened, a trauma. Your birth was pretty rough. Maybe, a debrief with your midwife will help. But if at any time you are feeling hopeless, unable to see darkness lifting, then talk to someone. These people help you. It gets better, and you are the mummy that you always thought you would be. Now you do float from room to room on that air of maternal bliss (though, not every day), singing ‘I’m Still Standing’ at the top of your lungs, waving those spectacles in the air, babe, a little bigger, at your feet and dancing with you.
Resources that can help
(PANDAS info here: https://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/
0808 1961 776 A free helpline. Available on all landlines. Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm. Manned by a team of trained volunteers who will be happy to chat to you and direct you to the right support.
info@pandasfoundation.org.uk
READ NEXT: I was diagnosed with PTSD after my son was born at 28 weeks
I had post natal depression but it took me around 3 years after my daughters birth to find out, the birth didnt go well and the husbands ex was playing up at the time, so she often took his focus away from this new born bundle of joy to his other daughter, who he was seeing on and off. It wasn’t a fairytale, i had a c-section and the hubby had to go back to work 2 days after i came home, so i was looking after a new born, looking after the house, and trying to heal. the wound reopened and got infected and it was so painful… my MH went downhill quickly and put strain on my relationship, he didnt understand what i was going through and he had his own troubles.
i finally went and got help, i was on AD for 4 years and now a different more positive person, still have some self doubt as a parent, but i have ways of working through it now, and my husband was really supportive once he understood. I wouldn’t recommend AD for everyone, as I also had acupuncture and hypnotism to help me,